Its The Mountain ……. and ……. The Sea

So there’s this theory in Thessaloniki that the geography of the city in which it lies right between the mountains and the sea makes it impossible for people to sleep. I mean that's a good theory and all but the truth of the matter is that even knowing this most of the NUin staff still haven’t fully slept.

Today at work was a very emotional high strung day. We had a little session where we each got to essentially vent about our feelings so far and for some people it got very intense and they got emotional. Now anyone who knows me knows i don’t do emotional…..like it sometimes appears like I'm cold. But these same people who know me also know that I'm the biggest empathetic person ever. So my emotions and feeling might not move me to display them but other people’s sadness, pain, frustration can greatly influence me and i can sometimes project this in my life.

Recently I've been feeling emotional and prone to tearing up and wanting a good cry. And i can’t figure out what to attribute the feelings to. There could be three causes. 1) it could be side effect of the pill I'm on because that's one of the known side effects 2) it could be that I'm home sick 3) it could be that my body is choosing to manifest the stress and differences its going through all at once in wanting to be emotional. I would have loved to call up my friends and talk but with the time difference and the timing of the moments when i actually felt the need to talk it wouldn’t have worked out. That also kind of added to the emotions because i realized that i missed my friends and how much they helped me deal with all the emotional stuff even when i didn’t realize that i had to. I was also feeling kind of sad because with my choice of being away this semester i was going to be missing out on so many milestones and parts of their lives. I think this probably all cumulated in me combined with all the emotions i saw everyone else dealing with today and got to be too much.The scientist in me wanted to remove each variable one by one to figure out what could be causing it and then fix it because i don’t like it but…..yeah that can’t happen. So i had to be a woman now and deal with the real underlying feelings behind all this.

All the emotional catharsis that everyone else on the staff seem to be having got me to thinking about why I'd been so sad lately and why I'd started internalizing again and closing myself off emotionally like i was prone to do. The answer: a boy. Its always a boy, its always been about a boy and it will always be about a boy. I realized that i was mad that the one person I'd wanted to talk to i hadn’t been able to talk to. I thought he was just ditching me and ignoring me and i was mad because i had reached the point in my life where he had become important and had enough power to affect my happiness.The fact that somehow it had gotten to this point and that I'd in a way allowed him in made me mad at myself because I'd allowed someone in and they were hurting me and making me sad. I was soooo frustrated because being me i was arguing for him and myself at the same time. Here was my internal dialogue:

For Oyin: you have all right to be mad he didn’t answer your emails

For Boy: maybe he’s busy. You’ve know all along that he’s a busy guy

For Oyin: Even if he’s busy he can and should make time to talk to you if he cares as much as he says he does

For Boy: its not his style to ignore you if he doesn’t want anything to do with you. He’d jut straight up tell you

For Oyin: He should have at least inquired himself by sending an email wondering what's up

For Boy: You can also send him a message inquiring about what's up to

And so it went. For over a week. Until today when everything blew up with everyone else and all i wanted to do was cry and at the same time all i wanted was for him to hold me. So i wrote him on facebook asking whether he’d gotten my email from a week ago or not or whether he was just taking his sweet time. I figured i had nothing to lose and at the most I'd get the truth that i was looking for (i.e. he didn’t care anymore) and i could stop pining for him.

He replied very fast asking “what email?” that he hadn’t received any email. So i replied again and he got on chat and i made it know that i was mad at him because i thought that he was ignoring me. He also told me that he was upset when he didn’t hear from me either….which made me HAPPY!!!! (call me evil…i just think its just me being female). Now I'm happy. At least I'm happy to know that he wasn’t ignoring me, lets see if we can make this communication thing which we suck at work.

Lesson learned is that if you have something on your mind say it. Don’t wait until it blows up and you end up crying like a crazy hormonal female because you were bottling up. Most especially if saying what's on your mind way in the beginning instead of waiting would have saved you tons of heart ache and sadness. Lesson learned.